06.30 am GMT
Woke up early this morning…couldn’t sleep…just too excited.
06.35 GMT
Can’t get hold of Jon Bond. Looks like I might be an army of one. According to the internet Eel Pie Island is only inhabited by 120 people, but even so I don’t like these odds, I might have to rethink the whole shock and awe approach.
07.00 GMT
Begin the invasion briefing without Jon – it turns out he thought we were supposed to meet at Eel Pie Island…he had started the invasion without me!!! He has now been told to retreat to the local café and await further instructions.
07.02 GMT
Have completed invasion briefing. Clearly the lack of weapons is going to be a problem…we are going to have to win their hearts and minds. With this in mind I need to choose my wardrobe carefully…
07.20 GMT
Damn! My best suit is at the dry cleaners - typical. Have resorted wearing a combat jacket and jeans…a bit more militaristic than I was hoping for but at this late stage it will have to do.
09.00 GMT
Arrive in Twickenham courtesy of the number nine bus. A tank would have been better but this kind of operation requires a degree of stealth. No sign of Jon as yet. There are either two Betty’s Café’s in Twickenham or he has deserted – I knew I should have contacted Chris Ryan. Oh well looks like I’m on my own.
09.10 GMT
I have spotted the island, it looks like the perfect territory for my new country – small yet perfectly formed and most importantly easy to defend on the basis that is surround by water.
09.11 GMT
Just realised that easy to defend means difficult to invade…I’m going to need a boat. Still no Jon Bond.
10.00 GMT
So far very little about this invasion has gone to plan. It’s defiantly not like the invasions I’ve seen on CNN. The good news is I have managed to procure my countries first naval flagship. At £15.00 for the half hour, the HMS Jon Bond as I have christened her, is my stretching my military spending to the limit but if this invasion is going to start anytime today it’s a cost I am going to have to bear.
10.40 GMT
The HMS Jon Bond is no longer the flagship of my fleet. I have retired her from active service. There are two reasons for this. The first is that I seemed to spend more time bailing water out of her than I do rowing her. The second is that having spent 10 minutes flailing around on the water and being pestered by ducks and swans I discovered a footbridge to the island. Note to self: by a map of any territory before invading.
10.45 GMT
Things are really looking up on the old invasion front. Jon Bond, my newly named minister of defence has finally materialised. It turns out there are two Betty’s Café’s in Twickenham.
So after hours of careful planning and a few set backs the invasion has finally started!
10.46 GMT
The invasion has been completed. The footbridge is secured and the population has been informed. There has been almost no resistance apart from a small dog that Jon swears was giving him ‘attitude’ and the odd cursory glance from passers-by. I’m made up, who knew it was going to be this easy. This must be the quickest invasion in history.
11.00 GMT
Jon has just completed scouting the island and he reports that so far the inhabitants are pretty cheerful and don’t seem to mind being invaded. I have remained stationed at the footbridge checking passports. As it is the first day of my new rule I have been fairly lenient and have accepted driving licences and where absolutely necessary verbal confirmation of identity but as of tomorrow we are going to have to tighten things up a bit.
13.30 GMT
I have spent the last hour or so travelling the length and breadth of territory meeting my people. They seem like a nice bunch and don’t seem to mind in the slightest that I have invaded, in fact they seem positively relieved. The only minor skirmish that broke out was when I attempted to claim my Royal Residence. This was quickly quelled when it was agreed that I could have use of the garden shed for my summer parties rather than the actual house.
14.30 GMT
I have procured my very own a DUKW (pronounced Duck). No this isn’t a spelling error, or some bizarre genetic off shoot of the duck family. It is in fact a small, highly versatile, military vehicle and like a duck it is as equally at home on the land as it is the water. As a newly acquired citizen Alec, the DUKW’s owner, feels it is his duty to give me a tour around my new territory in the DUKW. I’m really beginning to enjoy this whole invasion thing, it just doesn’t seem that hard!
18.05 GMT
Invasions are officially rubbish!
Everything was going so well. Jon Bond had managed to secure a cup of tea and a iced bun from a local resident whilst he was on frontier petrol. I was happily touring the island on a DUKW as part of my well deserved victory parade, and most of the residents I met seemed happy to become my new citizens and live under my firm but fair rules. But or victory parade was short lived. Someone seemed to have taken exception to my activities and called the police…clearly we were outnumber, they even had a helicopter so both Jon and I retreated.
Jon and I are gutted. Well actually I think I’m more gutted then Jon, he managed to keep hold of his half eaten iced bun.
I have learnt a valuable lesson today. If you are thinking of invading somewhere it’s a good idea to make sure there are more than two of you. It might also be useful to ask the police for permission.
